A love story

Catfish [kat-fish] Slang - noun, verb

1. a person who assumes a false identity or personality on the internet, especially on social media websites, to deceive, manipulate, or swindle

2. to deceive or swindle by assuming a false identity or personality

Dick [dik] Vulgar - noun

1. penis

2. a stupid, mean, or contemptible person, especially a man

I had a friend once. We’ll call her Katie. Katie was going through a divorce. She was lonely and just wanted the companionship of a man. Katie wanted to be taken out, to spend quality time with someone, to be adored and showered with affection. But Katie suffered from a malady call Stupidbitchism. You see, Katie believed that all of the things she wanted and desired most from a man could be attained from sex. So she signed up for all the dating apps: Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, JDate, Black People Meet, even though she was neither Jewish nor black.

So there Katie was, meeting these random men, going home with them, waiting for them to call her afterward, to no avail. Feeling worse after every empty hook-up, filling that proverbial hole with another right swipe. Until one day, Katie met a nice guy. We’ll call him Tim. Tim seemed interesting and educated. He was financially stable. He wanted to get to know her. On all accounts, Tim seemed like a “good” guy (see There’s No Such Thing as a Good Guy for reference).

Tim asked Katie out for a real date: dinner, drinks, getting to know each other. Over the course of the night, Katie and Tim shared stories of their failed attempts at love. They both agreed that it’s so hard to find someone genuine. After a couple of cocktails, Katie confided in Tim that she felt like all men want is sex, that she can never make a real connection. To her disbelief, Tim felt the exact same way! He tells Katie how hard it has been for him, how women only want to use him; no one wants to get to know him once they find out his profession. He confides in her that he is, in fact, a nude model for publications such as Playgirl. Tim sells naked photos of himself for money, but he deeply wants to be respected for his mind and not his body.

Their date concludes. Tim climbs into his sports car and drives away. At no point does he elude to taking Katie home or getting sucked off in the parking lot, as most of her dates usually do. To her complete shock, he was a perfect gentleman. Later that evening, he messages her to tell her what an amazing time he had and to invite her to dinner again. Up to this point, everything he said seems like it could be possible. And so the Maybe’s start. Maybe he really is a nice guy. Maybe he is tired of relentlessly being used for sex. Maybe he really does want to meet a nice girl who wants to spend time with him and not just his enormous dick.

Tim and Katie continue talking throughout the week, getting to know more about each other: she was adopted, he owns a non-profit for retired show horses, she has thousands of dollars in student loan debt after dropping out of cosmetology school. But Katie can’t get that one thing out of her mind, so she inquires. He seems unbothered by the questions relating to his profession, to his body, and eventually to his penis. Finally, just to put this whole thing behind them, he offers to send her a picture. I mean, it’s not unsolicited. Katie WAS curious. Tim was being a gentleman, again, by being open with her. And so he sends her a picture of his dick.

It’s the most massive cock she has ever seen. It appears to be glistening in the moonlight, with his rock hard physique lounging in the background like an Adonis. You can see a light sheen across the smooth skin. It’s beautiful but also rugged. She’s taken aback by how attractive it is: the symmetry, the girth, the throbbing vein. It’s everything a dick should be, and she’s suddenly ashamed, for she, too, is objectifying this kind and wonderful man, just as so many other women have. She is suddenly even more excited to see it in person, not only because of the intrigue of the dick itself, but of the smart and sensitive man it is connected to.

Friday rolls around and late in the afternoon, Tim calls to inform her that his day isn’t turning out as he’d originally planned. His meetings ran late. His photoshoot was rescheduled. Why doesn’t she just come over to his house for dinner. Katie, ever understanding of the chaos of being a working, single parent, agrees. When she arrives, he greets her at the door with a glass of wine and a smile. The sliver of doubt she’d felt earlier in the day fades away. The mediocre dinner is made up for by the extraordinary conversation. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves enveloped in a passionate kiss. Then, suddenly in the throes of passion, Katie cannot wait another second. She rips his shirt off and goes straight for his zipper. Her fingertips expertly grasp his fly and his pants are down to his ankles in a matter of seconds.

There Tim stood, naked, every inch of him glaring under the fluroescent lighting. Katie was motionless, stunned, uncomprehending. In the place of this epic cock was a nub: a small, infantile thing she dared not even compare to a penis. This was not the dick that Tim had sent her pictures of. This was not the dick she saw herself growing old with, soothing after a long days work, cooking homemade meals for. This was not the strong and elusive dick of a man she’d been fantasizing about. She did not know this dick; this was not her dick. It wasn’t even the same color. It was an imposter!

And that’s Dickfishing ladies and gentlemen.

I know what you’re thinking. She laughed out loud, right? She grabbed her shit and stormed out, right? Right?!

Nope, wrong.

She said, well, she was already there so…