Guys.  Men.  Boys.  Those who have a penis.  The other sex.  You can classify them however you’d like but one thing remains a fact: they all think they’re “good” guys.

We been led to believe that there are two types of men out there.  First, there is the “bad” guy.  There are a million different versions of him.  My type is the hard partying, rough living, edgy types that usually also fall into the unemployed-losers-who-still-live-with-their-moms sub category.  They had ideas of grandeur because their mothers raised them to believe that they were kings, and even kings can still live at home at the age of 35 and get their lunches made by mom, right?

Bad boys can be womanizers, liars, thieves.  They can manipulate you, abuse you, force you to do all kinds of things.  They can also just look the part with beards, tattoos, ride motorcycles, smoke/drink, have children out of wedlock.  Anything goes as a bad boy trait. We’re making it up as we go along.

On the other side, you have the “good” guy, the rarest of unicorns, a true mythological creature if you will.  This is the man that wants to fix a woman’s problems, get married and raise their children, be active in their partner’s life, supports dreams, loves to give oral without reciprocation, and raises your credit score just by being in your presence (sigh).  These are the men that stand up for what’s right in the face of adversity, iron their work shirts themselves, and call after fucking you on the first date. You often hear people qualify someone as a “good” man.  For example: Hey girl, did you hear John is single? You should call him.  Now that’s a good man! 

The thing that really gets me fucked up is when a man refers to himself as a good guy.  Usually this takes place while complaining about how, yet again, another woman has done this “good” man wrong. I know such a guy.  He has a nice, immaculately clean home.  He drives a brand new vehicle.  He always looks good, dressed in a suit, and takes superb care of himself.  His credit score made me blush the first time I saw it.  He pays every time you go out.  He seems to be an underrated gentlemen overlooked by the mass of stupid bitches because he’s just a “good” guy.  It took me a long time to figure it out, but here’s the scoop:

THEY’RE. ALL. FUCKING. LYING.

This self proclaimed good man is an overbearing, self-important workaholic who refuses to make time for any woman in his life.  When he does let a woman in, she will always be second best to him in every way.  Her career will be less prestigious.  Her wants and needs will only be met when they align with his.  The maintenance of their relationship and lives together will mostly be her responsibility.  And when it doesn’t work out because that woman got tired of being a second class citizen in her own home, he will again be the wounded “good” guy who was punished for all the things we, as a society, deem good guy qualities, and thus the cycle will start over.

There’s no such thing as a good man.

I know how many people are going to say, hey, wait a minute, what the fuck?!  But the reality is this is my blog and my opinion.  If you don’t like it, go write about it on your own blog.  And then you and your blog can go fuck yourselves.

At the end of the day, men are just men.  They’re all performing on a sliding scale, and we should be rating them as such.  Just like the Scoville heat scale, which measures the heat of a pepper, we should be using a similar method, like the Douchebag Dickometer or Fuck Boy Barometer.  John the mailman smiles at everyone he meets, pays his taxes, but picks his nose.  He’s a 100 on the Scrotal Scale.  On the other end is Sean, the ad exec who beats the shit out of his wife every night but holds the door open for strangers. He’s a 9000. You get the gist.

So the next time you hear some whiny little bitch complaining about how the last woman broke his heart because he’s just too good of a guy, remember, the Dickometer might disagree.