Is it them or is it you?

The truth of the matter is that some people are just assholes. Sometimes you go into a bar or restaurant and get treated like shit. In fact, post-Covid, this is even more often the case. The times of accountability and customer service are over, and many places just don’t give a fuck. As a consumer, it is frustrating to go out and spend money when you feel like every time is worse than the last. And in all that mess, there are still good service people who genuinely care, do a good job, but manage to continually get shit on anyway. By the establishments they work for, by their shitty clientele, by the people they work with side by side. Unfortunately for the guest, you never know what kind of service you’re going to get, so here’s a comprehensive list to help navigate the waters. Stick to these rules, and I guarantee your next dining experience should be smooth. If not, well, you just got a shitty bartender/server. It might even be me.

This covers a wide range of behaviors. In fact, this entire thing should be called Don’t Be An Asshole because it’s really the only point that matters. Sometimes you know you’re being an asshole, sometimes you don’t. For example, I had a guy come in. It was a Friday during happy hour, and the place was packed. We were having a good night, everyone was cool, and I was in a decent mood. I’ve seen this guy a couple times before, never a good experience, but I greeted him just the same. I smiled and said “Hi, how’re you doing?” as I laid his cocktail napkin down. He didn’t even bother to make eye contact before he barked “Old Fashioned with Makers”, then he looked down at his phone. I could’ve just made the drink. I, however, did not. It took me a half second to respond “That’s not what I asked you.” He looked up at me, a second passed, and I repeated my earlier inquiry. He gauged me for a minute, then politely apologized and answered. I made his drink. Everything was fine after that. Later on he acknowledged that was a dick move and said he’d do better next time. Hats off to this gentleman because I’ve done the same thing before, and I assure you it didn’t go as smoothly. But the fact remains: you will almost always get back the same energy you put out. If you’re rude and dismissive, don’t be surprised if your service people are too.

Have you ever wondered why almost every speech at every place sounds the same? That’s because it is. There are clear steps of service that have to be followed. Don’t walk into a place and start shouting about a menu. Don’t sit down at the bar and announce you’re ready to order food when you haven’t even ordered drinks. It’s not like you are fucking invisible; we see you guy. Sit down. When you’re greeted, follow the prompts. Give them your drink order. Chances are they are going to ask if you’re ready to order and that’s your moment. You don’t have to announce to the entire establishment that you are in a hurry. Quietly tell your waitress, and she’ll expedite that for you. If that’s too hard, go through a fucking drive-thru from now on. Also, to be noted, let them give you the spiel. Let them tell you about the specials and their players card. Why? Because the one time that server doesn’t do it will be the day that asshole customer was a secret shopper.

A lot of service people have a way of creating an exceptional service experience, finely tuned to each and every customer. They find something you like, have in common, or just vibe well with you, and this makes you think you’re the only person in the room. It is truly a craft that is expertly honed. But the fact is that you are not the only person in the building. Whether it looks busy or not, do not assume your service people are not busy. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. That person could have a raging asshole at another table, cussing at them, throwing food, etc. There could be a million Uber Eats orders coming in. Maybe a cook walked out. You never know. Be mindful of this when they take a little too long with your iced tea refill.

They teach manners very early on for a reason, and here in the US we don’t have a particularly strong culture of them. That is unfortunate because you should know that a please or a thank you to someone serving you can get you a really long way. Whether you’re a cool customer or exceptionally needy, asking for refills when your drink isn’t even half gone or waiting until your food is out to ask for ranch, oh and bbq sauce, oh and maybe aioli, saying thank you at the end of each statement is sometimes the deal breaker.

Or what’s on tap. Or what their specialty drinks are. Sure, it’s totally acceptable to ask what they like or do they have dessert, but don’t require your service people to tell you all about something that you have the tools to do for yourself. There in your meaty fingers is a large paper, or several papers, that list pretty much everything they serve and the ingredients in it. It almost always has the prices too. It’s a magical encyclopedia of every single thing that you might want to know about a restaurant. It’s called a menu. Read the fucking menu. Again, this goes hand in hand with #3; just because you think Jennifer has 20 minutes to stand around telling you what 57 draft beers they have on tap, just so you can order a Bud Light anyway, does not actually mean that she does.

For more on the subject, read 5 Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender.