I keep starting this post, first it was the first day, then 30 days, then 60 days two weeks ago, but one up or down, good day or bad, and my whole fucking perspective is shifted. So this morning, fresh off one of the worst experiences I’ve had yesterday, in the crisp morning light of a new day, I’m going to tell you how I think it’s really going.

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything.

I know that 30 days ago I couldn’t have told you shit because the sky was still falling and only now am I starting to grasp everything. I know that maybe I should be put on mood enhancers or anti-depressants because the shift between good days and bad swings like a drunk fucking toddler without supervision. Yesterday an easy 31 minute drive turned into a six hour ordeal in which I had to maneuver an 11 point turn in a 34 foot trailer three different fucking times, drive through a ravine that could’ve crushed my truck bed, and do a loop through a cement plant because Maps is a fucking liar. I know I started to cry twice on the drive but held it together in order to have a full fucking breakdown once I set up camp. I laid around listlessly, contemplating my life choices, filled with existential dread. Then I smoked a joint and put the whole day to bed at 4pm. I know that today I have a slight weed hangover from sleeping too long, I’m a tad groggy, and the rednecks in the camp next to me are going to be an issue. I know that this morning I’m in incredibly better spirits than yesterday and I think we should run with that.

What’s up with the trailer?

I’d say we’re past most of the huge problems. A few minor tweaks still need to be done but I’ve adapted and become slightly more resilient, either finding ways to bandaid an issue or ignore it completely. The very first trip I did not disconnect from the trailer and as I pulled away distracted by some other bullshit, I ripped out both the fifth wheel signal cable and the auxiliary cord. That sent me home for another two weeks. Back on the road this time, I haven’t really fucked anything up too much. The generator is having a hard time keeping up with the A/C so I have to chase the weather. I got a flat in the trailer but a very nice gentleman off the internet changed it for me (wink, wink). I left the fuel pump in the generator compartment and it melted in an area that didn’t have a fucking Amazon dropbox for 150 square miles. My truck has coded three separate times and just had an intercooler replaced at $2200. A broken slide wheel, a popped fuse, and a stupid breaker box that keeps overheating, all minor issues. The good news is when shit breaks now, I still fly off the handle, just a little bit less. And to be honest, the more dope shit you have on your trailer, the more potential points of failure. I would never trade that separate circuit we installed so that the DC power would convert to AC power (what you have in your house) so I can chill out with the TV, Starlink, and PlayStation without running my gennie like a madman so cest la vie to the occasional short.

How about the travels?

Well, I wouldn’t say I’m nearly as far as I should be at this point. One month ago, I was supposed to be in Lake Powell making my way up to Colorado. I should be in Wyoming right now. Instead, I just left Santa Fe yesterday and don’t expect to land back in Vegas for another 10 days at least. I just thought it would be super fun to get there right when the temp reaches 100° to make the tweaks on the trailer extra awesome. The hard truth is that no matter how diligent you are, organized, on task, life in general has a way of slowing you down. In the beginning, I was right on track. I tore through California like I was checking off a to-do list. Then I threw a code in Tucson and one of my cats was diagnosed with kidney disease, which extended that stay from a few days to a week and a half. No problem, I’d make it up in White Sands. Well, the day after I arrived in Alamogordo, a military jet crash landed in the fucking park and it was closed. I waited it out but it still hasn’t reopened. In the meantime, still a stupid bitch to my core, I met a guy and ran around with him for awhile. That three days also turned to a week and a half. Went up, went left, then went all the way back to Las Cruces (yes, that is, in fact, a full fucking circle). Somehow I ended up running around with a stranger off Hinge in the far reaches of New Mexico for a month! Finally we said our goodbyes and not eight miles from Santa Fe, the intercooler went out and the White Knight spent almost a week in the shop while I was relegated to sitting in the trailer with Cutie. So yeah we’re traveling, but I’d say we’re taking in the local flavors a lot slower than anticipated.

Highlights of the trip

The first time I saw a 10 foot tall Saguaro, I was absolutely amazed. Driving into Tucson, they litter the hills like wildfire. I mean they are absolutely fucking everywhere, and no matter where I went, I couldn’t stop staring at them in awe. I think the Saguaros are one of those magical things you absolutely must see before you die.

I also got the unique opportunity to watch the sunset over the entire White Sands basin during a storm, and it was incredible. Yes, I was like uber fucking high, but it was just incredible. It really cemented the love/hate relationship I’m having with New Mexico right now because for as many times as I’ve fucking hated this hot, arid, windy ass place, when you look at it as a whole, it’s pretty fucking magical.

Biggest bummers

Sick cat. Broken truck. Lack of forethought when I decided to visit during the windiest month in the year in a 13 foot tall trailer. Saying goodbye.

What’s the takeaway here?

For right now, we’re back on task with a fully functioning truck, a trailer with four wheels, and my latest love affair in the rear view. It’s better this way, you guys know I’m not creative when I’m not miserable. Feeling good is bad for my creative process lol. And while I’d love to say we’re picking up right where we left off, the truth is we’re not. If this isn’t a lesson that its all about the journey and not the destination, then I don’t know what is.

I’m probably not going to make it to Montana, and while that sucks, honestly, it’s fine. While I may not get to see buffalo and multicolored geysers, I’ve gained a lot more internally. I’ve learned just how independent I really am; I’ve done so many things that were out of my comfort zone, although maybe not “comfortably”. My personal relationships have strengthened, the bonds with the people that matter are still intact and all the other fucks have fallen off; I’m no longer surrounded by fake people with fake sentiments and fake intentions. I’ve met poeple along the way that have changed my mind about love, compassion, and honesty. My willingness to be open is changing; I’m actively practicing my communication, even if it is saying Fuck You out loud instead of saying nothing at all. Hey, that’s still progress. We’re way behind geographically but perssonally I’d say we’re right on track and although I want to set this mother fucker on fire from time to time, I’m confident that when I look back in the rearview in a year, a decade, or the end of my lifetime, I’m going to be really glad that I did this.

RV life is hard, no doubt about it, and anyone who says it isn’t is a fucking liar. Do I regret it? Sometimes. But you can’t change if you never change anything so take it at face value.

xoxo, The Bitter Bitch