Everything you need to know about your first long haul flight

Let’s just assume you’ve never flown before. I can tell you, I was terrified the first time I left the country. Even though I knew there was someone waiting for me on the other end of that flight, I was filled with dread. I’d made notes: long notes, short notes, in my phone, on paper, even on the bathroom mirror in eyeliner. But I was still bogged down with this terrifying feeling. I searched my backpack ten times for my passport. I even cried, like real tears of stress. I had a mental breakdown. I wanted to turn around and go home so I could just snuggle my cat. Fuck travel.

First of all, going to the airport is like going to jail. You’re being screamed at, treated like you're stupid, told a million different instructions simultaneously. Especially in Covid-land, you never know what might happen. Rapid tests, hair test, DNA sample. Traveler locator forms, proof of lodging, what you’ll name your first grandchild. For example, on my way to Barcelona by way of London I had to secure lodgings to stay at, which meant leave the airport. To even land, I had to provide a receipt of purchase for a Covid test through a certified third party lab that would mail my test to my lodging. I was free to take the bus, subway, taxis, and speak to whomever on my way there. Once I checked in, I was supposed to take my test then drop it in a specified mailbox, miles away, because most mail locations were not allowed to accept covid tests. Huh. Then wait in my room til I got the results. Well, my flight was the next day, Monday, and I went back to Heathrow, boarded my plane, and landed in Spain no questions asked. Three days later I got my Covid results: negative! Good thing because absolutely no one was actually checking. The point of the story: traveling can be daunting when you don’t know what you’re doing, and sometimes no amount of preparation an actually prepare you. So I put a little list together to make that solo trip just a little easier.

When you’re booking the flight, it will tell you what kind of plane you are flying on specifically. Make and model, just like a car. Look it up, especially the layout of the seats, beverage centers, and bathrooms. You can even go so far as to check flight issues with the FDA and safety ratings.

The length of the trip will almost always dictate the model of plane. I used to be someone that wanted to go as far as I could on a non-stop flight. These are great because you only have to worry about going through security once, boarding once, arguing over your luggage size once. You don’t need to worry about missing a connecting flight. These are all great reasons to make non-stops the only way to travel, but there are drawbacks. These are going to be much bigger planes, and the center section is going to be four or five seats across. If you want any level of comfort, even the most modicum amount of space, you will be paying for an upgraded seat, and they will cost a lot. I mean A LOT. That many more seats means that many less desirable places to sit. Windows are a premium. Also, overhead space is limited. Why? Because airplane designers are stupid, airlines are greedy, and no one cares what the public has to say about it. Regardless, there is a smaller compartment hold above in many newer air buses, which means fighting for carry on space. I got in a fist fight with a Scot on an American flight to London once. Overhead space is not a joke. Should you decided to book a long leg non-stop, I STRONGLY urge you to foot the bill for business or first class. Nowadays, the plane is always delayed. No one wants to sit in the center seat right by the bathroom with two fat strangers on either side while you taxi the runway for two hours before your twelve hour flight. Upgraded seats mean refreshments, plenty of overhead accommodation, and your own bathrooms that you’re sharing with 20 people instead of 400. Another $1000 doesn’t sound so bad when you put it that way.

On the other hand, while a plane change poses the possibility of a missed connection, multi stop flights have become my fave for a couple reasons. The plane is smaller, always. That means that statistically the center row is only three seats wide, which means the ratio of aisle to middle seats increase like 500%. If you’re a cheapie, you can roll the dice and have a good chance of getting a decent seat. And if you don’t, you’re only going to be squished for a few hours instead of multiple. I can deal with those odds. The back of the plane usually reduces to double seats to accommodate the narrow shaft. These are money seats because they get bev service first, more frequently because its closest to the drink service station, and they usually board in zones 2 and 3. Why? Check it out. Zone 1 is for first class, people with accommodation, and those willing to pay for the added luxury of getting on and chilling. However, the back of the plane gets loaded next because they want to fill the plane up back to front to make loading easier. This means that while you may be the last off the plane, you’re some of the first on and if you’re flying cheapie, there will be overhead accommodation. Trust me about the overhead part. You don’t know til you’ve thrown hands on a packed flight. The struggle is real.

I see a lot of women pack stupid shit, like their makeup, so they can arrive looking flawless, and that’s totally great if the paparazzi will be there when you land. But realistically, if you’re traveling internationally through several airports, I can assure you, your appearance is the last thing you’ll be worried about when you finally do land. First, you’ll feel complete exultation that you even arrived, mixed with some bewilderment. Once you get your bearings, you’ll be dealing with foreign languages and transportation. Mascara will be the last thing you give a fuck about. Save yourself the trouble and leave the shit in your luggage. Not once have I packed makeup in my personal item and later was glad for it.

Think hygiene: A toothbrush, wipes, and deodorant for starters. Trust me when I say that if you end up sleeping in the baggage claim at O’Hare for six hours, you’ll be glad you had these items. You’re going to be musty. You’ll have been sweating under your titties for hours. Do your body and everyone around you a favor and keep the necessities on hand. All you need is water and voila! You can take a whore bath literally anywhere. Honestly, sometimes just refreshing yourself between flights is that little bit you need to keep going.

Think comfort: The seats, even in business, are lacking. Something that has completely changed my life is this foot rest hammock. It’s a padded swing that hangs from the tray in front of you. It completely changed flying for me. That one or two inches of space it raises your legs takes the pressure off your hips and butt. I’m old so I still get a little stiff, but I have no problem sleeping through a ten hour flight with my feet in the sling and my head buried in a scarf. Do I look cute? Absolutely not. Am I hands down the most comfortable person on the flight? Just maybe.

Expect the worst. EVERY. TIME. This way you’ll be happily surprised when shit kinda works out. Make sure you have everything you need to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Make sure you have power for your electronics. Make sure you have snacks so you don’t die of starvation. Make sure you have clothes to protect yourself in whatever conditions you’re stuck in. Imagine yourself stuck somewhere overnight with only the possessions you have in your personal bag. As I've already tried relentlessly to explain, you are not guaranteed to have your carry-on, even though you may have carried it on. They will play games with you regarding size and weight, and should you make it onto the plane, they may check it anyway because there’s no room. Cool, except the bags have already been stored and that dude they handed it to just sat it down somewhere, and you never bothered putting a luggage tag on it, because, well, you were never supposed to check it in the first place. Set yourself up for success because you don’t know when a little trip is going to become a giant pain in the ass.

xoxo, The Bitter Bitch