Why married men are still just fucking men

The exciting thing about working in new places is the opportunity to meet new people. After my shift last night at my new company, I decided to sit down and have a beer, a needed respite from my near month of sobriety. There I was enjoying a crisp lager with a Tajin rim, which is always that much better after a hard earned shift, when a regular I’d never met came in. He looked familiar at first. He got to talking with the bartender and somehow, like always, the conversation gravitated toward dating. He was flirty and had a single guy air about him, as I’ve learned they all do. He moved over seats, and we started chatting. Things went from cordial to filthy quickly as he described a threesome he had with two women at a club downtown and made it very clear he wanted to give me his “throbbing chocolate (rod maybe?)”, but for research purposes I decided to stick it out and see where this rabbit hole went. So I tried to center our convo, asking about careers, hobbies, and the Big M: Marriage.

You see, when a man presents himself to you as a single guy about town who likes sleeping around, you automatically assume he’s not married, currently anyways. Why? Because generally you don’t go around talking about all the pussy you get while your wife’s at home watching the kids. So I asked, in past tense, if he had ever been married - in the entirety of his life, which he responded with yes. Oh, wow, so how long were you married? His eyes shifted as if struggling with something momentous, perhaps her early demise or a painful divorce. 15 years, he says. And how long ago was that? AND THAT’S THE HOOK, ladies and gentlemen. How long has it been since you were in that relationship? Our eyes met. A split second of hesitation flickered so slight the untrained eye would have missed it. It was the instant he had to choose whether to tell the truth and spin it or tell an outright lie. He chose the truth, or at least his version of it. He was married, is married, currently, right now. He had a wife at home all along while he sat there telling me how he was going to give it to me.

After seeing my obvious disgust, he began to explain to me that he’s a man and has needs that can’t be met by his wife. I just had to know how this all works out. Does she know you’re a lying mother fucker, out here picking up bartenders with no shade of a wedding band on that finger? Does she know you’re having casual sex in hotel rooms with Canadian strippers? Does she wonder where you are when she’s putting grandkids to sleep? No. She does not. He tells me he can’t ask her to do that “nasty shit” with him now that she’s a grandmother. She’s a nurturer and lover, but he can’t bear to stick his finger in her asshole during doggy style, for example. Ah, the old Madonna-Whore complex. He doesn’t look at it as cheating because he’s the hunter and protector and his needs are just different (obviously more important). Interestingly, though, he does not condone her going out and finding a throbbing good time of her own and certainly would never agree to an open relationship. Hippocrit? Certainly. Narcissist? Most definitely. Discouraged? Absolutely not.

While this confession may have slowed down the progress, it certainly didn’t stop the chase because five minutes later he was telling me how attracted he is to women “like me”. I suspect he’s probably attracted to anyone with a vagina and a willingness to fuck another woman’s husband, fat ass and sassy mouth aside. I couldn’t tell what offended me most because there were so many offenses battling one another. Was it that his wife was a living, breathing woman being persecuted for simply becoming a mother, destined to stay in a marriage with a man who thinks that childbirth is an excuse for infidelity? Was it that he thought I was so fucking stupid that not only would I believe his methodology for bad behavior but would also be a willing participant? Or was it that he was but a man in a world full of millions of men who behave this way on a daily basis, his disgusting nature simply being written off as just another thing guys do? It was all of it, the sheer fucking audacity to think his wife doesn’t deep down know he’s a piece of shit and the stupidity to believe that every woman on Earth is willing to trade all sense and self worth at the opportunity to fuck yet another sleazy 58 year old dick.

I politely excused myself as I made my way out to the parking lot. Not at all surprising but he followed, appearing to my new co-workers as if we were leaving together. Yes, yes, I love to brand myself a slutty husband fucker on the first night. Out in the parking lot under the buzzing fluorescent lights, he grabbed my ass. A couple crude comments and a slip of the hand, and I’m pretty sure he was expecting a blowie from the passenger seat. I politely declined. Biggest shock of the night was his lack of commitment as he didn’t even bother to walk me the additional twenty feet to my car or open my door. I guess chivalry really is dead, but douchebaggery is still on the rise. And with that, the abyssmal spark I’d been carrying around the last couple weeks to start dating again was snuffed out and I ended yet another abhorrent male interaction with a midnight run to Walmart for cat food and a tallboy of beer as a nightcap.

Cest la vie.

The Bitter Bitch