You, Me, & Another Guy Makes Three
When’s the right time to talk threesome?
If you follow the blog, you know I’m back home in Vegas. While it is the end of August and I should be deep into my Dick Daddy discovery across the 50 states, I unfortunately only made it to two before the shit hit the fan with Dodge, and I had to return home. I’ve been back for almost three months and in true Bitter Bitch fashion, have not gone out with a single guy since coming home. This is for a few reasons. #1- I think anyone with a penis in the greater Las Vegas area is a piece of shit. Yes, I said it. I’m sorry to those who are not. But let’s be honest, the lifestyle of single men here leaves one considering scissoring as a viable alternative. #2- I’m lazy. #3- I met someone. Yes, I also said that. What is it? I don’t know. Who is he? Some guy. How is it going? Depends on whether I’ve taken my medication as directed.
What does all of this mean for the Dick Daddy Chronicles? Well, for now its over. No car means no travel and subsequently no tales of debauchery. But this doesn’t mean it’s over for you and I. Quite the contrary. For now, as I learn to actually date and have an intimate relationship with a man again, I’ll still be here to tell you what an epic failure I am in the romance department. In fact, I suspect I’ll have to rename my Dating section to the Fuck It section. But that’s for later.
What’s for now? The juice of course and that is “the guy”. We met while I was on the road. It was not love at first sight but I thought we’d definitely become good friends because he seemed like a pretty solid dude. He makes me laugh like crazy and I feel like I can be myself around him. He’s also made me cry a couple times but not maliciously and I’m still learning how to communicate that like a level headed adult. This, in and of itself, is pretty difficult for me. Like the saying goes, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. So in my infantile attempt to not be a passive aggressive asshole, I’ve instead become the person who says whatever is on their mind at the time, whether bad, good, or obscene. For example, on a perfectly wonderful little staycation he planned for us, I inadvertently asked him to have a threesome with me. In my defense, when I set out on my big adventure earlier this year, one of my bucket list items was to have my first threesome. The facts are simple: I’m 40 and single and frankly I don’t think two dicks sounds like that bad of a way to spend forty minutes of my life. I certainly had other goals in mind for the year like a successful blog, a sense of purpose, and potentially meeting someone special that I could emotionally invest in but when I was explaining my expectations for the next four months, somehow only the part about the threesome came out. To my surprise, he was immediately interested in adding another girl to the mix. Then I thought of watching him make love to another woman in front of me and I was immediately turned off, and while I did entertain the idea of two guys, I had pretty much already decided then and there that I’d gladly exchange the threesome for this new burgeoning romance we’re still working out.
Fast forward a couple weeks and this nice, new man in my life just told me to go out and find two guys to have a threesome with. He said I should finish my bucket list for the year, with or without him. Huh. Now this can be looked at in two ways. Maybe he genuinely wants me to do the things that I set out to do before I met him so that I won’t have any regrets about my life OR this whole thing is no thing at all and I did it to myself, again. And while he did tell me to go out and have fun in a sincere tone, all I heard was “we’re just friends who fuck and nothing more so feel free to fuck all the dudes you want so you know the situation with us ain’t shit.” Now we’ve let all the nouns out of the bag (friends, threesomes, fucks, feelings), we’re going to have to define a relationship that wasn’t ready for definition but here’s the magical shit I’ve learned in my short time dating as an actual adult:
It’s never too soon.
It is never too soon to make clear how you feel and what you want. Why is that? Because men already know. Men know from the first moment they meet you whether they are ever going to give you a chance in their lives and the sad truth is women are just too afraid to admit it to themselves. Women don’t want to ask for clarification because they know that when it’s finally let out, finally defined, said out loud, there’s no going back. Instead they don’t press the issue, don’t ask because they know it’s not going to be the answer they want. So what do we do instead? We wait because women truly believe time will change everything. If he just gets to know me better, if we just spent some more time together. I’m sorry to say this but no bitch. No amount of time is going to convince a man who doesn’t want you to want you. And for every day, week, and month you continue to pussy foot around what you actually want, you and that potential relationship lose value. Why make a commitment to you now when you’ve been cooking, cleaning, and blowing him on the regular for months while he actively looked for his next chick? Doesn’t make sense and now you’ve wasted your time, energy, and affection waiting for some dude to validate you who knew he just wanted a little pussy from the jump.
What’s the wisdom I’m imparting on you today? Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s never too early to be direct and honest because there’s nothing worse than being stuck in the grey area full of hopes and dreams. Alternately, don’t tell a man you want to have a relationship with that you think it’d be kinda cool to be the middle of a Chinese finger trap unless you’re ready to hear what he actually thinks of that, and of you.