GERMANY
Heidelberg
The Basics
To be quite honest, Heidelberg is everything you think of when you think Germany. Cobblestone streets littered with red roof houses. A meandering river and high atop a hill overlooking this quaint town, a massive castle. If ever there was a castle I wanted to be ravished in, this was it. Don’t get any ideas; there’s literally no secret passages - trust me, I checked. Once rumored to be the summer home of Hitler, this colossal palace was ravaged by war, struck by lightning TWICE and burned to the ground, left to wither away to dust.
Start the stairmaster ASAP! As all things that are perched on a hilltop, one must haul said ass up that same hill. I walked the incredibly steep incline to the base of the castle and it ruined my whole day. Newsflash: there’s a tram somewhere. Go find it!
Expect people, people, people. Heidelberg is famous for a reason and just like any other touristy place, driving and parking are insane.
The Neckar River runs right through the center of town. If you plan on visiting both the castle and the ruins across the water, bring legit shoes. The cobblestone is not a joke.
You can easily enjoy Heidelberg in just one day but it’s worth staying the night if not only to see the castle lit up.
Heidelberg Castle
Let me start by saying that there’s a tram somewhere. For the love of God, take it. I don’t know where it is, but I know for a fact it exists and even spent the hour sledging my fat ass up the hill thinking “there’s got to be an easier way!”
This place is a shell of it’s former glory but in the preserved facades, you can clearly see what a gem it once was. Built in 1225, it was destroyed in the Thirty Years War. It was restored but then fell victim to two lightning strikes and subsequently burned down. It was left for dead until the government stepped it and names it a historic treasure.
Although the grounds are expansive, all the buildings are locked so only the exterior, courtyard, and the gardens are able to be viewed with the €9 entrance fee. I didn’t know at the time that you basical had to have a tour or you were just walking the perimeter. Do yourself a favor and pay the extra €6 for the tour. No only does it take you inside, you can go to the top of the towers and through the underground passages. It’s a pretty expansive tour and well worth it to see the castle as it should be seen.
If you’re hungry, there’s a fir little bistro in the courtyard that makes some pretty decent brats.
The Tun
While some castles hide dead bodies in their dungeon, Heidelberg had something far more sinister: a 220,000 liter wine cask. If I were to be killed, waterboard me with this gigantuan.
The first cask was commissioned in 1591 and held a measly 130,000 liters. This original cask fell victim to the Thirty Years War but was replaced in 1664 at an even more overbearing capacity of 220,000 liters. Sometime in the 1700’s this second cask was replaced with the barrel you see today. The best part: it was used, like, for real! This bad boy was actually filled with wine, to the tippy top, just in case there was a war or famine that hinder the availability of wine to the castle. A culture I could get behind.
Otherwise known as the German Apothecary Museum, but I think Semen Sample Museum sounds better.
This place was also on display with a standard ticket and might have been my favorite part of the entire day. Not just because every single bottle said semen on it, but for all the crazy potions and tonics they were giving people to quell their ailments. Mercury, laudanum, arsenic, the list goes on.
How come no one ever wants to prescribe me opium for my headaches?
The Semen Sample Museum
