5 Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender
How to get the worst service of your life
It’s Friday night. You’re out with friends. The bar/club/venue is packed. You just want some drinks, you’re literally foaming at the mouth you’re so thirsty, so you yell at the bartender for their attention, the same bartender who’s taking a drink order for a group of 50. You fail to realize that everyone else at the bar just wants some drinks, just waited as long if not longer, and just managed to keep their mouths shut. You’ve broken a cardinal rule of etiquette. Everyone has turned to look at you for the asshole you are, and you might as well drink out of the toilet at this point.
It’s ok. You’ve obviously never been out of the house before so let me educate you. Here are five tips to avoid being that asshole next time.
Tell the staff to smile
Let me set the scene. You are the bartender. It’s happy hour. Drinks are $3 a piece, on average. 75% of these people are 21 year olds smashing micheladas, lemon drops, and scooby snacks. A keg popped, and you’re covered in sticky beer and smell like piss. You’re only halfway through your ten hour shift. A group of intoxicated assholes walk in and demand your attention. They’re screaming five different orders at you, all on separate tabs. Then some Chad starts talking. You can’t hear him because it’s loud. But Chad can’t take a hint and repeats, this time even louder and more obnoxiously, “Hey, you should smile!”
This is offensive on many levels. First, Chad thinks he’s being cute. He thinks he’s flirting with you. He thinks you have, like, a super fun job where you, like, just drink and hangout all night. He thinks you should give him your undivided attention. He thinks the customer is always right. Well, FUCK YOU CHAD. Let me treat you like dirt all night for a $6 tip and see if you smile afterwards, k?
Second, THIS ONE IS FOR THE BOYS IN THE BACK. Do not ever say something to a woman that you would not say to another man. If you told some dude to smile, you just might get your ass kicked. Same rules apply here. Don’t tell a woman what she should do or how she should act. If I want to tell you to fuck yourself and then spit on you, that’s between me and my HR department. And the quickest way to illicit that kind of response? By telling me to smile.
Ask how much everything costs
You can’t afford it.
Tell them it’s your birthday, then proceed to ask for free shit
OMG, happy birthday! Everything is still the same price. Why? Because nothing is “on the house”. This is how you lose your job. Which means someone paid for it. Who paid for it? Your bartender, the one running in circles for minimum wage. I didn’t paint my face, blow out my hair, and put up with douchebags like Chad all night so I could buy you a drink. Birthday or not, you should be buying us drinks.
Assume you don’t have a tab
Did you order a round of Patron for the little cuties at the end of the bar? Did you do this because you’re trying to blow someone’s back out tonight and the one in red looks a little tipsy? Then yes, obviously, you have a tab. Just because you didn’t drink it, or you spilled it, or the red-sweater-chick took someone else to the employee bathroom, doesn’t mean you aren’t paying. So give me your fucking Amex and take the loss my friend.
Argue about the prices
#2 and #5 go hand in hand. Your bartender or server was not there the day they decided what the prices should be. We did not sit in a big room and think about how a $13 mug of Modelo might offend you. We do not get kickbacks or points on the back end. We, IN ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, benefit from the cost of the goods. So don’t tell me how overpriced it is. I don’t care. When I get off, I’m going to sit down and order the same thing, and pay the same price, because I had to listen to you and ten other assholes complain all night. If you can’t afford it, stay home.
For more on the subject, read 5 Ways to Get Better Service.