Forgiveness?
I don’t do forgiveness. In fact, it’s not uncommon for me to completely cut people out of my life. I find it much easier to get to a point where ignoring one’s existence is easier than addressing the thing that hurt me so deeply. Worst of all, the thing that keeps them cut out is the enduring pain that acts as a lifelong reminder to “fuck them”. I’ve had dozens of friends over the years that I’ve laughed with, cried with, then were blocked one day and never heard from again. I saw an ex at my job recently and I proceeded to act like he didn’t exist the entire afternoon. We didn’t exchange one fucking word. I don’t cut people out and never think of them again. Quite the contrary. I think of them constantly, all day long, sometimes for years and reliving the pain is what allows me to keep them dead to me. My hatred and disappointment and feelings of betrayal run so fucking deep that it’s literally impossible for me to put them aside and simply move on. But lately the person I hate the most, the person I just can’t forgive, is myself. So what’s the strategy now? When and how do you finally forgive yourself?
Don’t get excited because I don’t have the answer. I just keep creating fresh problems, not coming up with solutions for the existing ones. The only good news that I do have is that I’ve finally pinpointed the thing that is really hurting me, really causing me anguish, and it is myself. I’m so mad at myself for the decisions I’ve made in the last year that I can barely stand to be alive sometimes. The amount of wildly deep regret is unbearable. I’m talking about nauseating, gnawing, self hatred and no matter what I do or how I act, it is something I live with from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Replaying scenarios again and again in a world where reverse doesn’t exist. And finally I’ve realized that, at this very moment, the only person that can fix this is myself and I simply don’t have the tools to do so. Little Miss Independent, who doesn’t need shit from anybody, needs to get some help. The truth is that every day I’m alive, I’m killing myself a little bit over something I can no longer control and those are the things that eventually will kill me. I am going to have to learn for the first time in my 40 years on Earth how to accept and move on. I’m going to have to forgive myself for the past or I’m never going to have a future.
And just how the fuck am I going to do that? I guess we’ll start by not dwelling, sitting around all day thinking about what a fuck up I am. I’ll force myself to stay busy even when I lack the motivation to do shit. I’m going to have to stop complaining to my nail lady and find a real licensed therapist I guess. I should probably cut out all my self loathing behavior while we’re at it, like drinking until I black out or gorging a bag full of bean burritos. Might fuck around and stay on top of my meds, maybe. Then with all that time I’ve just freed up I might pick up a hobby, perhaps blogging about how men aren’t shit, or something along those lines. Yeah, sounds like a pretty solid start to me.
And no, just because I’m working on myself doesn’t mean I’m working on forgiving everyone else. You know who you are and you’re still a piece of shit so don’t get excited because your ass is still blocked.
That’s it. Short and sweet for today. Just a little reminder that sometimes the only way to move on is to move through. Stay blessed friends.