Hanging Up My Hat
Changing your life can be a really alienating experience. You break up with someone because they’re not making you happy. You stop seeing friends because their interests no longer align with your own. You move away from family because its time to start your own life. It’s a difficult situation because you’re distancing yourself from the people that should be your support system sometimes because they are not a support system at all. And as much as you know it is the right thing for you, they may not. People are so blinded by their own thoughts and the opinions of others that they can never really see anything other than their immediate selves. And when you’re alone, and I mean really alone, the pain is palpable, the loneliness unbearable, and you begin to make decisions wholly on how your heart feels and no longer on what your brain is telling you. Unfortunately, I know this feeling very well.
I’m going in for an interview today, back to bartending I go. I’ve been applying for writer/editor positions for weeks and have received no interest. Today marks one month exactly that my truck has been in the shop here in Las Vegas. With still no answers, I have come to the decision that I have to make a choice for myself and my family. Rather than to continue to sit in the front yard of my parents yard and fight this battle with a billion dollar company that can’t even be bothered to respond to my complaints, I’m going to take a few steps backward in the hopes that it sets me up for success on round three. I keep going over and over again how I left my home and have nowhere to go, and while we do have a trailer that kind of works, it’s nothing like a real house. But as I’ve been reminded more than once lately, that ship has sailed and no amount of regret or tears is going to bring it back. The best I can do now is start renting, get these animals back in a controlled environment, and get my ass back to work. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is making money and fulfilling my promises to these guys, not the pipe dream I so foolishly ran off on without a moment’s hesitation.
I often say that commitment is not my problem, and its really not. I am one of the most obsessive people on the planet. When I diet, I weigh my food and count my calories every second of the day for a year. When I work out, I’ll spend half a day on the stairmaster. When I write, I’ll pour my whole heart and soul into a piece regardlss of who it affects. I really commit to every decision I make in every single way to a fault. What I don’t do is think things through in a clear and concise manner longterm. I’m emotional, panicky, and manic. I let my feelings take over my mind with absolutely no control. I was so miserable and so sad that I dedicated six whole months to flipping my whole world upside down and then six months regretting it, wishing to God I could go back in time. And although they may call tomorrow and say everything is magically fixed, I know in my mind that we can’t get back on the road. That moment has passed. It would be irresponsible and impulsive. My heart says go, get back out there, you never even got started but my mind, which I so rarely use, says make the small investment now for the greater reward later. And maybe if I’d used that same logic a year ago things would be much different today.
So after just a few short months, a few glimmers at what could’ve been, an immense heartbreak, and many, many tears, this bitter bitch is hanging up her CUNT hat.
It’s not over, but it’s over for now.