How Bitter is This Bitch?
An update on my shit.
I’ve been thinking about you guys lately. In fact, I’ve been thinking about you everyday. I’ve been wondering if you miss me, if you’ve been updating your feed looking for new posts, or if you’ve forgotten me altogether and moved on with some other vapid bitch who loosely mimics my jokes and stories but will never fulfill you like I do.
In all honesty, I have been writing. Getting up everyday and pounding the keyboard, but nothing lately feels right. The verbal vomit that usually comes so naturally to me has been hindered by something, and I think its time to be honest with you guys about what’s really going on. I’m suffering very seriously from a malady, an illness of sorts, that I never saw coming. I was so unprepared for this affliction that it has completely changed me mentally, emotionally, even physically. It burdens me from the moment I rise to the second I lay my head down.
The affliction appears to be happiness, or some other disorder of the same family. I mean sheer, unadulterated joy. I’m so fucking happy lately that I literally can’t stand it. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I’m smiling, laughing, even considering being nice to people I fucking loathe just because they bother me that much less. I have no complaints, no qualms. I’ve even cut down on my crying fits by 96%. I haven’t had a mental breakdown in four weeks! I should get a fucking chip or something for these kinds of strides!
Alas, the drawback to all this quality mental health is that I’ve lost the fuel that allowed this bitter bitch to burn so bright. The raw hatred and disgust for just about everything was the main motivator for my blog. I would wake up every morning full of feelings and the process of writing was like bloodletting: with every letter typed, my blood pressure went down one point. This blog may even have been the thing that prevented a heart attack up to this point.
But don’t worry. Now that I’ve diagnosed what’s wrong with me, I’m taking swift steps to remedy the situation. As we speak, I’m unblocking all my exes and sending out a mass Hey, what’s up? text. I plan to spit in someone’s drink on camera on my next scheduled shift. If that doesn’t work, I’ll send out some resumes for management positions. Tonight I plan to get drunk and siphon the gas from my car, then attempt to engage in a high speed chase. And that’s just for starters. I’m taking myself on a luxurious, overly indulgent vacation in the coming weeks, and I fully intend to smuggle drugs through TSA in a less than stealth manner. Fingers crossed everyone.
In all seriousness though, I’m just feeling a lot less bitter than this bitch has ever been, and this has led to a serious case of creative block. I’m hoping some time away and to myself will allow me to get on track and hopefully back to airing everyone’s dirty laundry. In the meantime, I’ll be diversifying the travel content and hopefully you guys can enjoy that in the interim. I appreciate everyone’s patience with me while I find my inner cunt again.
See you bitches in a couple weeks!