IDGAF.
An ode to 2022
There is no greater freedom than saying you don’t give a fuck and meaning it. If you’ve never experienced this, you’re not living your life authentically. It’s sounds very strong, very liberating, like an action. A big action. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. But it is not, because when you really don’t give a fuck, you don’t feel passionately about it. To truly not give a fuck is to put zero interest, zero concern, and zero effort into it. That is the antithesis of action. It’s as passive as you can get, and it is something that can only be gained through peace. Real, absolute peace.
How do I know this? Because, for the first time in my life, I really don’t give a fuck.
As we approach another New Year’s, I feel nostalgic. I think about all the other New Year’s past. Not a bad one here, or a bad one there, but every single one. Every New Year’s has been a bad one. Not once have I been surrounded by friends and family and felt the warm embrace of love or acceptance. I’ve never rang in the New Year with legitimate feelings of excitement and joy for the year ahead. For many years I attributed that to my job, but that was just an excuse because every year that I’m not working, I end up dragging my ass to work anyway because those are the only people in my life. My work friends. And I get to thinking about the shallow relationships that I keep, then I make a solid effort to tear those walls down and let people in, only to again be hurt, humiliated, and alienated when I find out it’s not me.
Every year I long to have a New Year’s kiss. I want to look at someone and genuinely smile, and feel that warmth of reciprocation. I want to welcome the New Year and all the possibilities it holds with someone special. The key word here is special. But, historically, every year that I do have someone, that’s not the reality. I want to have real, deep seeded friendships that last forever. I want to have the kind of secrets that go to the grave. I want to have friends that I know have my back, my best interests in mind, and would never betray me. I want to make real investments in relationships with people and not regret it later. Not one year has passed that I ever felt secure, loved, or at all like I was in a healthy adult relationship, with anyone. And every day was the same. Always at the edge of my seat, anxiety roiling in the pit of my stomach. Being ignored, lied to, embarrassed. Being tossed aside, an afterthought. Fear, loathing, stress. Consternation, then anger, inevitably followed up by a hysterical fit of tears. And I did it again, year after year after year.
Until this year.
Instead of trying to be a better woman for my man, or a better friend for my friends, I’ve stopped being a better anything for anyone. I’ve stopped caring about how everyone feels about me. Full stop. I decided to start caring about how I feel about me, to cherish myself, love myself, spoil myself. I’ve become the boyfriend and friend I’ve always wanted. I work everyday on the things that make me happy. Building a business I care about. Surrounding myself with people who support me. Making my mental health a priority over things that other people value, like clout and status. I stopped caring how everyone views me, and in the process, have started to become a legitimately better person. I know it’s true, deep in my heart, and no one else has to. I’m finally ok with the entire world thinking I’m a miserable, hateful bitch. In fact, I welcome it. It creates the distance that is required for that kind of growth, and when you achieve it, you don’t need anyone else to validate that for you. It’s not a fucking parking ticket.
I’m so done with the idea that we need to break down our walls for other people. We need to be open and available and vulnerable. Fuck that shit. Build those walls as high as you want. Be as closed off as fucking Shawshank if that’s what makes you happy and protects your peace. Someone who really wants to get in is willing to scale that mother fucker, no matter what it takes. The fact is that the sweetest things we have, the greatest prizes, and the biggest successes come from the most amount of work. That’s what creates value in something. Value yourself. Protect yourself. Invest in yourself. Everyone else is just a fan after that.
If any of this has resonated with you, I challenge you to wake up tomorrow, breathe deeply, and let the first words out of your mouth be:
I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.