5 Guys You Should Swipe Left On

How to spot a red flag

I go back and forth between dating apps, not necessarily to even date but just to gauge what’s available at moment. To see if there’s one fine specimen in the epic landfill of trash, one shining knight that has perfected the your/you’re conundrum. Usually after about four days of this, I concede to die alone with my cats and delete the app. Having gone on this cycle many, many times in the past, I’ve compiled a list of immediate red flags to avoid. Enjoy!

The guy wearing True Religion jeans

It’s not the jeans, even though they have more embroidery on the pockets than a wedding dress and have been distressed to the point that they almost look bleached. It’s not because this jean company is 20 years old, meaning that the wearer most likely bought these circa 2006. It has literally nothing to do with the jean itself. This is about everything that jean stands for. Those jeans should evoke smells of Abercrombie and Fitch and self-tanner. They should remind you of when Ed Hardy was selling t-shirts with bedazzled dragons and grown women were using frosted flavored Lip Smackers. The problem lies with the fact that a grown man, between the ages of 38 and 52, is still wearing these jeans. He still thinks they are the epitome of cool. This is the guy at the front of the stage, vibing out on Molly all by himself, wearing his gradient shades in the club, pounding Red Bulls and Viagra. This dude has not aged at all since 2002. If you’re trying to fuck a baby boomer who acts like Pauly D, then this is the guy for you. Otherwise, swipe left.

The guy with grainy pics

It’s 2022. Five year olds are running around with iPhones. These were taken with a Motorola flip phone. There’s only two reasons his pics are grainy. First, this guy does not want to post current photos of himself. He’s old, he’s ugly, he’s most likely a combination of both, but it’s not catfishing because, well, they *were* photos of him. Second, it’s a burner. He’s married. His wife is at home with his kids right now feeding them dino nuggies.

The guy who posts photos with 10+ dudes

He wants you to know he has friends, and lots of them. He’s uber social, so fitting you into his schedule should be flattering. His social life is his priority, so don’t expect him to put you above it. He’ll fit you in for some drinks or a lunchtime quickie, but don’t get carried away thinking you guys might go on an actual date, planned in advance, with a real meal involved. Real women shouldn’t be interested in playing Where’s Waldo with a guy’s photo, trying to decipher if he’s the skinny guy in blue shorts or the ugly guy in red shorts. If you’re lookin for substance, it’s not here.

The guy who says “If you don’t look like your photo, you’re buying me drinks until you do”

He’s an asshole. Not like the last guy wasn't an asshole, but he’s going to be a special brand of asshole. Because he made this comment, he thinks he’s already weeded out the catfishers and twenty plus pounders. Even if you do look exactly like your pics, or better even, he has put you on notice. The ball is in his court. He has the power. It’s an unspoken question until you arrive and he has gauged you, and only he has the answer, the approval of whether or not he thinks you are attractive enough to buy a $2.50 drink on happy hour. This is entry level mind fucking, Douchebaggery 101. If you’re looking to get manipulated, level up.

The guy laying down in his feature photo

The pic: he’s laying down in bed, shirtless, giving you those bedroom eyes. There’s one arm placed behind his head, strategically displaying his bicep, or where one might be if he picked up more than a Bud Light tall boy from time to time. His head is angled, as if he’s looking down while you’re performing oral sex. Men are literal: literally stupid. They think if they lay down, looking like they’re ready to fuck, a woman is going to see this and, in turn, want to fuck. Albeit there may be a few, but most men don’t know what kind of pics get a woman suction cupped to her chair. Fuck dick pics. Send me a picture of your Roth IRA, your aggressive trading strategies, those CDs your grandma bought you for high school graduation. Now we’re talking.

ATTENTION GENTLEMEN:

If you are reading this and have any of the above photos,

throw the whole profile away and start over.

Thank you.