5 Ways to Ruin a One Night Stand

How to fuck up a good time every time

You’re out one night and you see someone you like. You strike up a conversation and one drink in, you know this person isn’t for you. For whatever reasons, be it intelligence, income, political views, this is obviously not a love match, but they’re SO FUCKING HOT. So you take them home. You have a great time. Six months later, they’re still calling you to go to dinner, to get away for the weekend, to come home with them for Thanksgiving. What should have been a great one night stand has turned into a one year situationship. If you find yourself in a similar predicament, it’s probably your fault. Here are the top five things that fuck up a good time, every time.

Pretend to be interested

You see a cutie from across the room. The tequila just hit, and you’re feeling brave so you approach. You strike up a conversation, but you’re still trying to decide if this person is interesting, fuckable, or a throw away, so you ask them some questions. What’s their name? What side of town do they live on? Do they engage in casual sex with strangers? All appropriate for the occasion. However, once you’ve decided this person is not a love interest, it’s time to stop with the inquisition. A one night stand does not require eight additional hours of chit chat about where that person went to college, their dreams and aspirations, or why they have abandonment issues from losing their doll at Disneyland when they were six. Now you’ve crossed the threshold into feigning interest, and this is dangerous territory as you may be setting the other person up to believe that this is the beginning of a beautiful courtship when all you wanna do is break her back for 15 minutes and put her in an Uber.

Take them home

This is the kiss of death. Unless you plan to do some wild shit like lock them up in the basement, there will never be a good reason to bring a stranger back to your domicile. First, you’ve lost all power and control. If shit gets weird or they fall asleep afterwards, what are you going to do? Grab your pants and sneak out of your own house? You’ll be forced to be the bad guy when we all know fleeing is the easiest route. Second, you’ve shown this person not only where you live, but a step by step on how to get in. You had a couple of drinks and maybe you’re being less cautious than you normally would. Maybe you used the spare key or punched in the lock code slowly while Sloppy Samantha watched over your shoulder. When you don’t return her calls all week, maybe she’ll just let herself in while you’re asleep. People are fucking nuts, and this should terrify you.

Overstay your welcome

This sounds callous but it’s absolutely the gold standard for a hook-up. You go wherever it is you go, be it the alley, employee restroom, or the other person’s spot. You just got your nut, and you’re catching your breath. Next thing you know the other person is pressed up against you, drawing circles on your chest with their fingertips. You’re regaining consciousness but Sloppy Sam is suddenly looking up at you with doe eyes, attempting to nestle her head into your shoulder. It is IMPERATIVE that when you raise your arm, you use it as a forward motion to roll out of bed and put your pants on. If you do not, you will get locked into a cuddle. Fuck buddies do not cuddle, under any circumstances. Sex is sex but cuddling denotes emotion. If you want to get caught up in a situation with Sam and her feelings, go ahead. Cuddle. Stay the night. You guys can get breakfast on the way to the wedding chapel in the morning.

Tell them you’ll do it

again

You just fucked a complete stranger. You slipped out of the bear hug and made it to the door with all your belongings and none of your dignity. This is the home stretch. All you have to do is turn and run. For a split second you feel that awkward moment in the doorway. No matter what you do, do not open your mouth and utter I’ll call you or we should do this again sometime. Even if you do want to do them again sometime. That is what phones are for. If in a week you feel like seeing them naked, then, at that moment, you hit them with a Hey, you up? text. You never allude to a second meeting or a possible future for any reason, even if the dick was out of this world.

Hangout

Do not mistake a hook-up for anything other than two people having sex. Of course, there are those incredibly rare instances where two people fuck and then become friends, or move onto a relationship, but those are mythical unicorn stories we’ve all heard second hand from some dumb bitch in our outer circle. The possibility of that happening to you is zero. You cannot, under any circumstances, go to dinner, see a movie, have a couple drinks with your late night snack. That is no longer a hook-up; it is a hangout. You’ve crossed into enemy lines. Once you’ve stepped outside the apartment post-coital, you’re laying the foundation for a situationship. So if you’re hanging around with friends one night, drinking, shooting the shit, and you want to get your dick sucked, call Sloppy Sam. If you plan on calling that person because you are bored, lonely, and want to do anything other than get your dick wet, do yourself a favor: masturbate and take an Excedrin PM. You’ll thank yourself in the morning.