10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Visiting Germany

So this is where the Bitter Bitch solo traveler and the Bitter Bitch relationship blogger converge. To be honest, I never had any real desire to go to Germany. I never had a desire to go anywhere for that matter. I knew nothing about leaving the US. I was as uncultured as Americans are perceived to be. I was National Lampoon’s vacation uncultured ok?

That was until a titty pic in Mexico on an IG story turned into a Vegas one night stand and somehow I flew halfway across the world on an international dick trip only to find out it was the love of travel I was falling for. I never knew how much I wanted to see the world, how the possibilities of solo travel were within my reach, or how much time I’d wasted waiting for someone to come along and do it with me.

Now that you know the backstory, Germany was my first international trip in over a decade, and I was in for a big surprise. The culture, the food, everything was different. So here’s the top things I wish I’d known before traveling halfway across the world.

Most Germans speak English

If you’re going to travel internationally, it’s always best to speak the language. I know, I know…this is not always easy to do. At least learn some common words and phrases to get you around. But the second best thing to do is travel to a place where they already fluently speak your home country’s language. To my surprise, as absolutely hopeless as I was in learning German, most Germans already know English. In fact, English is generally the first foreign language that Germans learn in school. I also found Germans to be extremely helpful and understanding when trying to overcome the language barrier. A little goes a long way and if you make the effort to communicate with them, they’ll cover the gap. A HUGE improvement from a lot of other countries I’ve visited.

German beer is the purest in the world

The German Purity Law sounds a lot like an anti sex-before-marriage thing, but alas, it is not. While this has something to do with what you put in your mouth, it’s of the beverage variety, and it’s the world’s oldest food safety law still in existence.

It’s real name is the Reinheitsgebot and it is a 500 year old law preserving the essence of beer production still in use today. According to this German law, only four ingredients may be used in the production of beer: malt, hop, yeast, and water. That. Is. It. No Red Dye No. 5 or artificial flavoring. No preservatives or enzymes. Just good old fashioned beer the way it was meant to be experienced. Considering this lends to over 6,000 variations of beer being produced in Germany with the distictive bier label, its even more of a testament to the process and craft. You won’t find any commercial piss water available for sale in Germany, so Bud drinkers beware.

Beer is cheaper than water

Germany is one of those places that just really want to get you drunk. Just kidding, but one of the weirdest things that I discovered of my time there was the fact that beer is often cheaper than water, so why not drink it!

Unlike restaurants in the US, water is not simply served at every sitting. In fact, you’ll have to request water with your meal in Germany, and don’t be surprised when you’re charged for it at the end. Yes, that tap water that came directly out of the bathroom faucet just cost you €6. Meanwhile, that delicious, frothy hefeweizen was a mere €3. I don’t know about you but for the price of one water, you coulda had 2 beers! You’d be more dehydrated, but at 5.56% ABV, who the fuck cares!!

Castles are everywhere. Really

The first time I saw a castle, I almost died. I was sitting in the front seat squealing with delight at some medeival structure perched high on a hill. And when I say castle, I mean the real kind. Not something at Disneyland or a century old manor. I’m talking dark, dirty, damp, almost unlivable conditions with prisoners in the dungeon and heads staked on the bridge kind of castles. If you are a castle freak, you’re going to quickly realize that they are everywhere in Germany. Some in excellent condition but most remnants strewn along the countryside. In fact, there are over 25,000 castles still in existence in Germany and for a country that’s roughly the size of Montana, that’s a shit ton. So while people are waiting up to two hours just to get into places like Burg Eltz, don’t limit yourself or your time to these overly publicized places when there’s literally thousands of castles within a stone’s throw. My advice: look out your window and if you see something you like, pull over and check it out.

The Autobahn in not a place

The Autobahn is not a specific place where you can take your car and just open it the fuck up til the wheels fall off. In fact, the Autobahn is actually the entire highway system. And while it certainly does have sections where there is no official speed limit (but there is a maximum speed recommendation), the rest of the road is highly patrolled to make sure that people are abiding by the posted speed limits. In fact, while I was there, my friend got two speeding tickets in the mail. Can you say speed traps?

If you’re planning on renting a car, I fully suggest that you delve deeper into the laws of driving in Germany and brush up on the language. Not only are the words completely different, but you have to remember that you’ll be thrown off by the different colors and shapes. Try blue and white instead of black and yellow or traffic lights hung horizontally. And you’ll definitely need to know what the fuck Ausfahrt means.

Bring your Sunday best

As a Las Vegas local, maybe we dress down a little more than the average metropolitan area. My signature style is jeans and Chucks, and my travel style is just as laid back. I rarely find myself packing heels let alone a sport coat and for travel, that’s perfectly fine. I’m all about ease and nothing is easier than not dragging a ton of luggage around with you.

It wasn’t until I got to Germany that I felt ridiculously unput together. I noticed the people around me arriving to breakfast as if they were going to the office while my unmanicured toes sunned themselves in sandals. Sport coats at the Chinese buffet while I was clad in a secondhand sweatshirt. Designer shoes at the soccer field as I secured my broken laces with yet another safety pin. If you’re an extra casual dresser be prepared to feel homeless chic in Germany.

Doner is the hangover cure

I never thought I’d be describing street meat as some of the most magical food I’d ever eaten but you never know until you try it. Doner is similarly known to many Americans as the gyro’s cousin. Meat is cut from a large rotisserie kebab and put into a pita pocket with a yogurt style sauce much like tsaziki. My first experience came in the form of a doner box, where doner meat, cucumbers, onion, and tomatos were added to a chinese food-esque box of cabbage and covered in sauce. I smashed my entire box and subsequently my friend’s (he was vomiting in the bathroom in my defense). I’ve seen it all over Europe, such as England and Spain, and even a little doner spot in Sydney, Australia but nothing will ever be as good as the doner I had in Germany. Try the doner and tell me I’m lying!

Make friends with sparkling water

I went on an incredibly long hike to the Geierlay bridge, the largest suspension bridge in the world. Near to where we parked the car was a vending machine. I was literally dying of thirst and jumped back in the car with €20 worth of bottled water (remember they charge for tap here). I ripped off the cap and began to guzzle but was immediately choked. It took me a minute to realize the water as carbonated because what you really want to quench your thirst after the most difficult hike in your life is carbonated bubbly water?! I check the label. Yup its carbonated. I look into the machine and realize that not only are there both flat and fizzy waters but there’s even semi-fizzy waters. I had never encountered som many useless options for water before but it was a valuable lesson to learn. Just know that all water in Germany is not created equal and you might asphyxiate yourself on unnecessarily carbonated water if you’re not careful.

The Shandy & the Schorle

Beer isn’t the only thing they serve in Germany. If you didn’t already know, they have some pretty epic regions of wine. So in addition to always having an excellent selection of beer, there is also an excellent selection of local wines. If neither the beer or the wine tickles your pickle, try this adaptation. What Americans know as a shandy, or a radler, is in fact a pils with “lemonade” added. Rather lemon-lime soda or a regional variety of the kind. But what really blew my mind was the schorle, wine with lemonade or lemon soda added, much like a spritzer, but way more delish. The best part: this is a pretty standard way of embibing alcohol so anywhere you go, they can make you one. I had my first, and I was a convert for life. If you’re feeling really dangerous, try out some of the variations such as Apfelshorle (made with apple juice) or Johannisbeerschorle (made with red currant).

Price and Tax Regulation

Ok, so I almost didn’t add this one in here only because it’s kind of a legend. No matter how much I comb the web for concrete proof of said regulations, I can’t see to find them, only mentions here and there or a general reference to the rule. So don’t quote me on this!!

I went to a horse race when I was in Germany. As we all know, any place that draws a crowd, such as a sporting event or concert, immediately has jacked up their prices. In fact, here in Las Vegas you can go to a Knights game and order two large beers and two double shots of Patron and come out of pocket upwards of $200. No I’m not exaggerating or beginning to joke. It’s not uncommon to pay over $20 for a drink, off strip while local bars will charge between $9-13 respectively. So when I ordered two brats and two beers, I was shocked when she asked for €6 (like $7.75 at the time). I mean, that’s wholesale pricing. So I inquired and here is what I found:

1. Because everything is produced locally and by so many different sources, they keep prices very competitive.

2. There’s a “law” (which I cannot confirm or deny) that makes it illegal to jack up the prices on retail food at events. Allegedly they are required to charge the same price that one would pay for the item if they were buying it, say, at the grocery store.

Either way, here is what I know: food and beverage is extremely cheap in Germany in comparison to other places in the world so if you find yourself out,

PROST! (that means bottoms up)

XOXO, The Bitter Bitch