How to Smash: A Cautionary Tale
How to fuck for little to no investment
Once upon a time I had a friend. We’ll call her Cindy. Cindy decided one day that she was going to start cheating on her husband. The easiest way to do that? Download an app. She happily began swiping when she matched with a good looking family practice attorney named Paul. For a week straight, he peppered her with compliments and good morning texts. He told her how funny she was, how cute she looked. He hastened her to meet him tonight, tomorrow for lunch, after work for happy hour. He constantly sent her dick pics and jerk off videos, with his face in full view. Most women, even the most naive, would know he was throwing red flags like it was the fucking carnival, but not Cindy. Cindy suffered from a common form of Stupidbitchism called denial. You see, Cindy believed if she just ignored the red flags, they’d magically disappear.
So here is Paul, bombarding her with dick pics and fake flattery, hounding her to meet until a date is finally set for Friday. He says he’s taking her somewhere nice for dinner but really plans to take her somewhere mediocre but trendy for just drinks. He then, BEFORE GOING ON THEIR FIRST DATE, sets up a follow up date for Saturday. This is called the buy in. This is a Level 5 move, not for intermediate users. This works dually. First, it makes a stupid bitch think “why would he make a second date already if he didn’t like me?” He’s playing the emotional long game, and Cindy is eating it up. Second, in the very unlikely chance that he doesn’t smash this chick Friday night, he has a follow-up appointment scheduled almost immediately, before she has time to decipher everything he’s doing and saying as complete dogshit.
Although the dates are set, Paul is still trying to secure a meetup before Friday. He’s still working the happy hour angle or quickie-on-the-desk lunch hour. He’s slowly but surely wearing her down when just the right moment presents itself. Her husband has forgotten her birthday, and Cindy finds herself wanting to go fuck a stranger for solace. Of course, Paul works insane hours, so it’d be easier for him if she just stopped by the house for a glass of wine and some birthday cake. Paul has a $10 cake and a $6 bottle of wine from Walmart delivered to the house while Cindy spends two and a half hours exfoliating, shaving, and, of course, hiring a nanny to watch her children while mommy goes out and gets railed.
Long story short, she went over. They fucked. He smashed with a $16 investment and 30 minutes of actual hard labor. She wasted countless hours dissecting every single text and comment, $70 on a babysitter, and three additional weeks wondering why he cancelled their date for Friday and never heard from him again.