The “Situation-ship”
What it is, how it happens, and what you can do the next time you find yourself in one
So you met a guy. You’ve been hanging out. Everything is going great. He stays over three or four nights a week, leaves his belongings behind, and you even gave him the code to the front door. A considerable amount of time passes. Then one day you don’t hear from him. Then a week, still nothing. You confront him. He coolly says But we’re not together or We’re just friends. All of a sudden, your feelings are hurt. You’re embarrassed. You feel stupid, but there’s nothing you can do because you hadn’t clearly defined the relationship. Right? Uh, wrong.
So, what is a situationship?
A situationship is when two people engage like they are in a relationship but have no definitive title. They spend time together, have sex, perhaps share feelings for the other, but are not in a real relationship because “it’s complicated”. They behave as if they are dating but do not have any concrete ties to the other and are essentially single in nature.
A situationship can occur between people who began as friends with benefits (friends who have no-strings-attached sex) who then fell into the habits of a burgeoning relationship but failed to define it, create any rules or boundaries, or state any feelings they might have been having. A situationship can also occur when two people begin dating and continue progressing like a real couple but without the label. This is particularly true when one person wants to be exclusive while the other actively engages as a single person and prefers to remain that way.
How does one end up in a situationship?
Once upon a time I was involved with a guy. It began easily enough. We went out multiple times, like many multiples, before we slept together. Then the frequency with which we saw each other increased. He introduced me to all of his friends. We went on trips for our birthdays. I had Christmas dinner with his family. This went on for years. Sound like a relationship? Yeah, kinda. But it wasn’t. Why wasn’t it? We never had the talk. The talk is the coup de grace of all situationships. Much like a showdown in a game of poker, all involved must show their hand, and that is when everyone’s true intentions become apparent. Are you dating? Are you fucking? Are you a piece of shit wasting my time? This usually culminates in the end of the situationship, either by becoming a real relationship or by break-up. Occasionally one party will want a relationship but will continue to let the other do whatever to keep the situationship going, out of extreme desperation and lack of self-respect.
Situationships can be tricky because you’re already invested before you know what is happening. You’ve been dating for awhile and developed feelings, invested in that person emotionally. A lot of people think they’ve already “wasted” their time. Sometimes intimacy and bonding form after you’ve already started fucking, leading one or the other to believe the relationship has transgressed beyond the initial parameters of the hook-up. Because someone’s love language might be quality time, it can be perceived that the increase in time spent together doing things that are less sex motivated and more relationship in nature might mean that person is developing feelings. The hardest part is if these two people were, in fact, real friends by definition before they began sleeping together, meaning they already had a real, genuine connection with each other based on personality, common interests, etc. Then the possibility of one developing feelings is compounded exponentially.
I think I’m in a situatinship? What should I do?
Many people feel like, because they are already invested, the best thing is to let it play out. Women especially subscribe to the school of thought that He’ll eventually want to settle down, He’ll get tired of playing these games, or He just needs more time. Unpopular opinion: only stupid people believe that shit. The truth is, deep down in your soul, you already know. If he wanted to, he would. And he doesn’t, so he won’t. I personally have allowed myself to be caught up in these kinds of situations because I never ask the hard questions. I never want to push them or be difficult or show resistance. That is because I already knew the answer, and it wasn’t me. Don’t worry, it sounds even more pathetic if you say it out loud.
I knew he wasn't going to choose me over partying and fucking, so I just didn’t make him choose.
It does sound pathetic, huh? Try to think of it like this: that person is intentionally remaining single, knowing full well you want more, and is still choosing the alternative. That means that every day they are not choosing you. They are effectively rejecting you and everything you have to offer while still continuing to use you as they see fit. If that’s not pathetic, I don’t know what is. If someone isn’t going to choose you, right now, this very second, they aren’t going to choose you in a month, or year, or lifetime. Stop wasting your good titty and flat belly years on some baby dick clown who’d rather get drunk and fuck whatever petrie dish vagina is left at the bar when the lights come on. Show yourself some respect. Unless you don’t mind being treated like an alternate in the special olympics, then go ahead and keep picking him up every time he forgets where his car is.
Decide what it is you want. Whether you’ve been talking to someone a few weeks, a few months, or ten years, it is never too late to blatantly express yourself. Do you want to be in a committed relationship? Do you want to swing with other couples? Do you want to keep it casual? Do you want to move to Mars and never see another dick so long as you live? If you want to be in a relationship, say so. If you want to be single, say so. And this goes both ways, ladies. If you are in a relationship and it isn’t working for you anymore, SAY SO. I hear people all the time say stupid shit like Well, Christmas is coming up or his birthday is next week. So fucking what?! Do that person, and yourself, a favor and let them spend that holiday alone rather than continuing to drag them through a relationship you’re not committed to anymore. Don’t fake one more minute pretending to love someone you don’t love or put up with something you can’t stand. In all truth, for as many fucked up things as have come out of my mouth over the years, the only things I really regret are the times I didn’t speak up: didn’t tell someone I loved them, didn’t tell someone I was hurt, didn’t say when something bothered me. If you’re not already telling people how you feel, today is as good a day as any to start.