5 Rules for Successful Dick-pics
Tried and true methods for sending junk pics that illicit a response
There is a time and a place for everything and that includes pictures of your member. But some of you guys need help and it shows. Here’s five rules to live by if you’re planning on playing the game.
Time stamps
Guys, let me set the scene: You’re a woman. You’re out with your girlfriends one night, feeling a little loosey goosey. You text some guy you’re talking to, feeling out whether or not you want to drive your pretty ass all the way over to his place in the middle of the night. So what’s your appropriate response as a man? Hit her with a dick pic. This is the right strategy for two reasons: #1 to visually assure she won’t be disappointed; your sex game might be trash but at least she’ll know in advance what she’s working with, #2 this let’s her know that you’re up, figuratively and literally. You’re sitting at home with a raging boner, just waiting for her to hop in an Uber.
If it passes the initial scan, you can be sure the first thing she does is saves it. Then she runs over to her friends to show them. Don’t be shocked: there are no secrets amongst ladies and that includes penises. She opens her photos, but she can’t find the picture. It should literally be the last photo in line. Then it dawns on her you sent her a recycled dick pic. You sent her some used, dated photo from 2001, hundreds of which are probably floating around the city. Then she realizes you’re sitting at home with your sweaty unwashed balls making mac ‘n cheese at 2am and couldn’t even bother to feign a hard-on. Immediately deflated, she finds the next closest guy and goes home with him because you’re lazy and stupid. This entire situation could’ve been avoided if you’d just sent a screenshot instead.
The Theory of Relativity
Lol, ok, not really. In fact, Einstein is probably rolling over in his grave right now. What I mean is an object is only as large as the objects relative to it. How can someone see the logistical dimensions of a dick if they don’t have anything to compare it to except that baby sized hand of yours. Grab something, preferably three dimensional, not a food item either, and get to snappin.
My favorite? A 12oz. can of Red Bull. Not the 8oz. you little wienie.
All about the angles
Let’s talk options. Many things go into a good dick pic such as backdrop, lighting, but most importantly angle. Having said this, wide angle is out. It is an optical illusion. It is used for extra large items that you usually can’t fit in the frame, like a buildings, mountain ranges, or an entire family reunion, not your little ass dick. Stop playing games and sending pictures that look like someone took that photo from a six foot ladder.
Instead, find the angle that works for you and use the shit out of it. Rather than sending the same boring ass shot from above, try doing one from the base, with or without your head depending on your level of adventurousness, or take it in a mirror or the reflection in a shower door. Get creative Martha Stewart. There are tons of options.
Forethought, not foreskin
This is the twin brother to “Knowing your angles”.
When a woman sends nudes, she’s sending you the creme de la creme. You get that one perfect shot, out of 86 shitty shots, that took her 20 minutes to take. If her face is in it, she put on makeup. She likely did something with her hair. Even the most low-key nudes have a level of effort no man could ever know. In return, I’m not saying you need to set up a full photo shoot, but a little effort goes a long way. Stop being fucking lazy.
There’s nothing worse than opening your phone to a picture of a dick, but in the background are his feet, socks dirty and a hole where the big toe sticks out. There are empty bottles and beer cans strewn around the countertop. A crochet blanket his grammy made across the end of the bed. These just aren’t the hallmarks of a well-manicured, adult man.
Even if it’s just sex, women don’t want another mess to deal with, including your ass. Take thirty seconds and stage the scene.
Know your audience
There’s a huge grey area when it comes to dick pics, and gentlemen, that’s mostly because you guys are stupid. We’ve talked about every single thing that could make that dick pic the crowning jewel of your dickdown achievements. I’ve given you all the tools to be successful to a willing and interested participant. However, this section is going to cover the other side of that argument.
For those of you who aren’t already talking to someone, or who hasn’t been invited to send someone a dick pic, that’s because she doesn’t want to see it. If she did, you would know. Women scream it from the rooftops when they want to see a dick, no confusion there. That means, in the absolute simplest of terms, DO NOT SEND UNSOLCITED PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO PEOPLE. It’s as simple as that.
While a dick pic can act as a Hail Mary for some, there has to already be a connection, an interest, some sort of playful banter. If you’re just a douche trolling social media for chicks with big tits, this is most certainly not the thing that’s going to get you in the door. For those of you that still continue to play that game, I hope the next time you decide to send one out, you accidentally send it to your mother instead.