5 Things I Learned About Closure
The follow-up to I Just Want to Know
First of all, thank you guys for reaching out and giving me your opinions on the subject. I received a huge outpouring from that believed, overwhelmingly, that closure isn’t real and a questionnaire of this kind would be ineffective. I really appreciate your input and honest observations…
Having said that, I did not heed any of your warnings and instead immediately sent the questionnaire out to my three most recent exes. And I know that, although you may not believe the project was beneficial, you’re fucking salivating at the opportunity to hear what I learned, aren’t cha? So, without further ado, here are the 5 things I learned about closure.
If you need a refresh, you can find the questionnaire here.
Don’t ask a question you don’t want an answer to
This project was supposed to be about healing myself and looking at my own behavior proactively so that I could be a better woman and partner in the future. I asked thought provoking and open ended questions rather than partner-specific ones. Not that I didn’t want to ask those questions. The ones we don’t ask out of shame or embarrassment or simply hearing an answer we don’t like. Why didn’t you love me? Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Blah blah blah.
THESE ARE NOT THE QUESTIONS WE NEED ANSWERS TO!!!
Do you really want a man you used to love to tell you he didn’t commit because he was trying to fuck that chick at the liquor store? Probably not. Do you want him to tell you he just never pictured himself with you long term because you’re fat, ugly, lazy, whatever? Definitely not. And while this might be a motivator to change, it might also be a motivator to set his car on fire, and we’re not doing that right now. We’re doing self preservation. We’re doing moving on with our lives. We’re doing proactive healing.
Never underestimate a wounded ego
Men are fragile creatures. If you’ve ever seen one with a cold, you know this is unequivocally true. Whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, you may still find that his delicate ego was, in fact, somewhat wounded. This may cause him to say things to you just for revenge.
Remember, you came here for objective answers to benefit you, not them. So if John is in his feelings and tells you what a toxic bitch you are, try to take it with a grain of salt. Ponder it. Let it marinate. Seriously consider if you are toxic. Maybe, or maybe John is just a whiny little bitch who didn’t get his way and wants to hurt you all these years later.
No answer is an answer
It would be nice if in a perfect world everyone could act like an adult and communicate efficiently. But that’s just not the world we live in. Case in point: I was blocked. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big proponent of blocking people for the right reasons, such as if that person is harassing, threatening, or being bothersome, but if you’re not doing it to preserve your own peace, it could be construed as overly dramatic. This person could’ve just as easily told me to fuck off or simply not answered. Instead, he blocked me. Some people would rather ignore you for the rest of their life than have to admit what shit things they did to you. Don’t take it personally. Instead, take the silence as an answer, fill-in the blanks, and keep it pushing.
Know your audience
Some people just aren’t cut out for adulthood. And while you may be striving to make yourself better, odds are that your ex is not. I chose not to send this questionnaire to one of my mains because I already know he’s a falling down drunk with a below average IQ that would probably have to sound the letters out. What would be the point in asking him if he thought we could have communicated better when he can barely communicate his order at the Del Taco drive-thru? Evaluate people and their capacities to fulfill the task. If they can’t, certainly don’t take their opinion to heart on something so profound and personal.
Closure is like death: it’s inevitable
Everyone who said that I didn’t need to hear what my exes had to say was right: I didn’t. However, I did definitely gain from this experience. I learned that although all my relationships seem to end the same, it is not 100% my fault or something I’m doing to provoke it. It was nice to hear one take responsibility for his own behaviors that attributed to our split. It was really nice to hear that I’m not a toxic psychopath who is hard to get along with and emotionally unstable. I was afforded the opportunity to see these relationships from someone else’s perspective and that did definitely help give me clarity. But it didn't bring me any closure. Inevitably, closure just happens. It’s like an open wound that heals at it’s own pace, a little bit each day. You can’t make it heal any faster. You can’t will it to happen. You just have to leave it alone. And don’t fucking pick at it! Live your life, focus on what makes you happy, and one day you’ll realize you stopped thinking about it. You just woke up one day and the heartbreak was gone. There’s still a scar to remind you it happened. You’ll never be the person you used to be, but you’re healed. The body and mind are resilient, but they can’t make things happen overnight.