8 essentials for every flight from The Bitter Bitch

When it comes to flying in Covidland, it’s a whole new ballpark. Wait times are unprecedented. Security protocols are different in every airport. There’s a global epidemic when it comes to being understaffed. You can be sure at least one of your flights will be delayed, if you’re lucky. And that’s all before you board. Do yourself a favor and pack accordingly. Here is my personal checklist for surviving any flight.

8 essentials for every flight by the bitter bitch — Hygiene items

This is a mixed bag, literally. My die hard items are face and/or body wipes, toothbrush/paste, and deodorant. This is the very minimum. You probably stink. Think about the last time someone crossed your path and smelled funky. Is that the kind of thing you want to do to another human being? Exactly.

Outside of the bare necessities, I also like to bring a small tube of aquaphor, moisturizer, facial spf, and moisturizing eye patches. After a long flight, your eyes will probably be puffy. Altitude and lounge mimosas will do that to you. I like to add in the occasional crying fit just for good measure. Slap on these eye patches before you land. You won’t be a million bucks, but you also won’t look homeless either. Use your face wipe. I know, its not the same as washing your face but be honest with yourself. You’re not getting off this twelve hour flight and washing your face in the bathroom at JFK. You might think so now, but ultimately you are not. Wipe, moisturize, spf. Get a facial spf with added benefits, and it doubles as a light makeup. Why spf when you’re still on the plane? Simple. You don’t have anything else to fucking do. Spf takes at least 20 minutes to start working effectively. Once you land, it’ll be sheer hysterics. Mad rush to get off the plane, debauchery at the baggage claim, asshattery to get a taxi. By then it’s too late. Do it on the plane and save yourself the trouble.

It took me awhile to get here. Some people never do. I have a friend who still sends me pics of her outfits before she boards a plane. The last time was denim cutoffs and a basic tee. For a night flight. To the East Coast. IN WINTER. Do the math. It’ll be eight hours ahead and 40 degrees colder. She’s a fucking idiot.

I have a very specific look when I travel. It is not about style. You can always change once you arrive to your destination. In fact, I travel with an extra tee and flips for that reason, but you won’t be changing on the plane so make sure you’re comfortable first. I always wear stretchy pants with hip pockets. They are thick enough to provide insulation in case its cold and cover the potholes in my ass. Black, of course, because black makes everything better. The real game changer though is the wide and deep pockets that run down the leg. You can easily slide ID, passport and ticket, and your phone in there. The one place you are most likely to lose your shit is inside the airport somewhere. Getting in and out of your bag. Showing 15 different people all your travel documents. Emptying your pockets into the tray, never to be seen again. If your stuff is in your jeans back pocket, as soon as you squat down to piss, they’re going swimming. Side pocket pants are the creme de la creme of travel apparel.

Remember to layer because airports are notorious for swing climates. Soft bra. Thin tee. Zip up sweatshirt. My secret weapon is the blanket scarf. I use it to cover my legs when its cold, my head when I don’t want to be looked at, but most importantly it can be wrapped and used as a neck support, better and less bulky than any neck pillow I’ve ever used. Bring a pair of extra socks and shoes that are easy to slide on and off. Nothing with laces. If you chose the cheapie seats, I guarantee you, you won’t be bending over to lace up your shoes. Trust me when I say I had to put my face in a nice man’s lap once because I wore hightop. Crocs or slip on Vans are my go to. Crocs are extra great because I hook them onto my backpack with a carabiner and haven’t been stopped once. You don’t want sandals because who wants to walk through security barefoot. Gag.

electronics gadgets travel guide bitter bitch — Electronics

I didn’t use to be one of those people plugging eight different things into an outlet before take off, but after having to endure a long flight behind a baby wailing because I didn’t charge my Earbuds, I’ve learned my lesson. Bring a charger, ALWAYS. Many planes have a USB hookup to charge, which is awesome. It is usually in the back of the headrest in front of you, not exactly convenient. Or, surprise, it doesn’t work. Save yourself the trouble and be prepared.

I bring my laptop to work on, or to watch a movie. Two sets of earphones, one corded in case you want to watch inflight entertainment. The others with active noise cancelling. I leave these on the entire time so a pair that has a backup charging device in their case is a benefit. Extra cords and cubes because you never know.

As for in-flight entertainment, lately I’ve been lucky and sometimes they have good stuff. That’s because I’m prepared. Anytime I haven’t been, I was fucked. Download your movies, games, and apps ahead of time and check them before you leave your WIFI area. I usually do a big download the week before on my Netflix account. Netflix is tricky so make sure everything is downloaded and accurate. One time on a transatlantic flight, I downloaded a whole season and once we were in the air, I realized it was only the first episode. You don’t know the sting of disappointment I felt that next nine hours.

This is important although it definitely seems minute. First, drinks. Although obviously overpriced, I get drinks once I’m through security. $20 at the stupid concession store for some waters and a tea seems ridiculous until you’re on the flight and can’t get a drink because you fell asleep when the bev cart came by. I bring a Yeti everywhere I go and throw some ice in it. I’ve never once regretted toting that thing around.

As for food, I mega preplan. I buy turkey breasts and make two pounds of jerky. I bring pumpkin seeds, chips, and dried fruit. Definitely all high in sodium, but I don’t personally feel like A1 nutrition can be done in the midst of travel. I’d love a fresh chicken caesar, but that’s not going to happen. Many times all these snacks have been overkill and a bit of a burden because they take up some substantial room in my bag. Then one night I was forced out of the airport and had to wait overnight in the baggage area in Chicago; those snacks saved my life. They didn’t offer meal service on that flight. When I got there, everything was closed. I was upset, mad, hungry, a million other expletives. But I wasn’t starving. These snacks made the difference, and I’ll never stop telling people to travel with food options because you never know where you might end up.

This section is about things to make YOU flight tolerable and for me that means putting my ass to sleep. I want to sleep the entire flight. I believe its something you have to train your body to do, and now I usually fall asleep before we take off and wake when we land.

First, this foot rest is the absolute best invention on earth. It hangs from the tray table in front of you and installs in literally two seconds. At first I was suspect. It is a little cumbersome because of the padding, and I looked like a complete dork the first time I used it. Once we were up in the air, I was a convert. It is a game changer. I never fly without it now. I bought mine on Amazon for $20 and I can’t believe I waited so long.

Second, something to support your neck. There are a million different neck pillows, but I prefer a wool scarf. I think neck pillows are too bulky, and that’s the number one reason I hate them. A scarf provides the support you need and also keeps the noise out. I also love that it doubles as a blanket. Wear it around your neck or waist, or jam it into the bottom of your bag and forget about it.

I prefer the convenience of big shades and an oversized hoodie to an actual sleep mask. I found that every time I wear a sleep mask, the flight attendant skips me completely. When I’m snoozing in shades, usually someone will poke me awake and I don’t miss beverage service. This is important on a long flight. If you didn’t buy snacks and you miss the meal, you’re big time fucked. My fave pair of shades is the Jackie Ohh II. Big enough to cover any dark circles. I’m a die hard Ray-Ban fan. One thing I will never skimp on is quality glasses, and every pair of Ray-Bans I’ve ever had have lasted me years.

Lastly, if you’re planing on watching anything on your teeny tiny phone, do yourself a favor and buy a cell phone mount. It clips to the seat in front of you and voila! you’re hands free the whole way home. Might seem stupid until you’ve been holding your phone in the same position for hours, your forearm has a cramp and your neck is stinging from looking down. Trust me when I tell you those strains will still be there when you land too. Invest the $15 and get a smartphone holder.

I know no one used this shit before Covid, but think of all the dirty hands that converged at the airport, on the ticket counter you briefly touched, then on the Milky Way you ate with those crusty ass fingers. True story: I Clorox wipe the seat and tray and all my surrounding shit when I sit down. Then I do all my personal items like phone and cord. Why? Start with a completely clean slate. Once I’m situated, I hit my hands with a quick squirt from the portable bottle (which hangs from the loop on my backpack and happens to be the absolute #1 best gift I’ve ever received in my entire life!). Then you can eat and drink freely the rest of the trip.

Oh my god, I hate people with cheap luggage! I’m a piece of shit for saying so but if it’s you, know that I, along with everyone else who’s ever seen you and your trash bag at the airport, completely loathe you. To start, you’re taking up the horizontal room of two extra people dragging that shit behind you. You’re bumping and running into things like Helen Keller driving a tractor trailer. Tell yourself how many times you’ve ran into the back of your own feet with it. You can’t walk down the plane aisle so you’re dragging it like a lifeless corpse or playing the thigh slap game, where you hunch it up with both hands then try to scoot forward with it balanced on one leg. You look ridiculous. You’re annoying everyone else. It’s fucking obnoxious. Throw that shit out and order a new one right now. They’re like $50. This one is my favorite, tried and true. If you can afford to fly, you can afford to buy (a decent fucking bag).

Always travel with your drugs. You can’t trust anyone. Keep it on your person at all times. If I worked at the airport, I’d definitely steal your Percocets. I’d probably steal your Advil for that matter. And after you spent the last 20 minutes boarding behind the asshole without telescoping wheels, don’t you wanna pop a muscle relaxer and call it a day?